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Kittens Were Made For Loving Rabbits...

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Sunday, February 5th, 2012
4:35 am - Stupidity...

Going to crush the only thing I have left...

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

(Hit Me)

Thursday, February 2nd, 2012
2:10 pm - I Need a damn Smoke!
There has to be more... Has to be... I don't want to feel so empty anymore... But I managed to find someone to love me for what and who I am... Just sad that it took so long to wander back to where I needed to be... Home is where the heart is...

current mood: pensive

(Hit Me)

Saturday, December 5th, 2009
4:50 am - Dreams Are Answers to Questions We Are Too Afrain to Ask Ourselves...
Okay so... It's been awhile. My life doesn't seem to be much different... I'm still trying to figure out why I can't just be happy. I'm tired of going in circles in my head... I'm tired of knowing what I need to do but not having the means or the balls to do it. Why can't I just be happy without having to hurt people in the process? I guess that's all for now... after all it is almost 5 in the morning and I have to be up at 7!!!

current mood: devious

(Hit Me)

Wednesday, October 24th, 2007
1:54 pm - It's Been Far Too Long...
 It's been a really long time hasn't it? No one reads this I know, but I have to keep it. It's me, my past. Things are good. My life is better. After all this time I don't have much to say!

current mood: calm

(Hit Me)

Monday, October 10th, 2005
7:38 pm - He's The Flower That You Place On My Casket...
Love is AWSOME!That's all...

current mood: loved

(Hit Me)

Wednesday, July 20th, 2005
7:57 pm - Fairies Wear Boots And You Gotta Believe Me...

Stressed as fuck. Went to Ozzfest yesterday. AWSOME! Thank you Rabbit! Back to normal. Stressed as fuck.

current mood: sleepy

(Hit Me)

Monday, July 11th, 2005
9:44 am - I'll Just Figure Everything Is Cool, Until I Hear It From You...
You're hearing it from me! Everything is NOT cool. One word, Eight letters. STRESSED!!! Well, needless to say, it's been awhile. I have been so tired lately, I couldn't even tell you when the last time I had a good night's sleep was. I desperately need a job. One that pays better than what I am doing now. I can't take watching the kids anymore. I mean, it's okay, but I need to get out of the house ONCE in awhile. Plus, extra cash would be VERY awsome. We need to get out of this shithole. There just isn't enough room in this place. I am tired. For some reason, more tired at this moment than any other time. Strange right? Oh well, I am going to take a nap. NIGHT!

current mood: stressed

(Hit Me)

Thursday, April 21st, 2005
6:42 pm - Boredom Should Be Illegal...
Birthday:July 12, 1986
Current Location:Glenolden
Eye Color:Brown
Hair Color:Brown
Right Handed or Left Handed:Right
Your Heritage:I am pretty sure it's Itailian
The Shoes You Wore Today:None
Your Weakness:Sex
Your Fears:Losing Matt and Matt Jr.
Your Perfect Pizza:Extra Cheese
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:Getting my ass back to school
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:Meow
Thoughts First Waking Up:I hope he's not crying
Your Best Physical Feature:My tits
Your Bedtime:Whenever Matt goes to bed
Your Most Missed Memory:If it's missed, how can I remember it?
Pepsi or Coke:Coke
MacDonalds or Burger King:Burger King
Single or Group Dates:Single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:Lipton
Chocolate or Vanilla:Chocolate
Cappuccino or Coffee:Coffee
Do you Smoke:No
Do you Swear:Hell Fucking yeah!
Do you Sing:Only when I think no one is listening
Do you Shower Daily:Yes
Have you Been in Love:Yes
Do you want to go to College:Yes
Do you want to get Married:Yes
Do you belive in yourself:No
Do you get Motion Sickness:No
Do you think you are Attractive:No
Are you a Health Freak:No
Do you get along with your Parents:Barely
Do you like Thunderstorms:Love them
Do you play an Instrument:I can
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:Yes
In the past month have you Smoked:No
In the past month have you been on Drugs:Yes, but only prescribed ones
In the past month have you gone on a Date:No
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:Yes
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:No
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:No
In the past month have you been on Stage:No
In the past month have you been Dumped:No
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:No
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:Just cable internet
Ever been Drunk:Yes
Ever been called a Tease:Yes
Ever been Beaten up:Yes
Ever Shoplifted:Yes
How do you want to Die:In my sleep
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:I haven't decided
What country would you most like to Visit:Italy
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:Blue
Favourite Hair Color:Brown
Short or Long Hair:SHORT
Height:Taller than me, That's for sure...
Weight:No fat guys
Best Clothing Style:As long as they look good, Who cares?
Number of Drugs I have taken:Uhh...
Number of CDs I own:Too Many
Number of Piercings:2
Number of Tattoos:0
Number of things in my Past I Regret:Too many to count


current mood: bitchy

(Hit Me)

Saturday, April 9th, 2005
9:57 pm - I Never Really Wanted You To See The Screwed Up Side Of Me That I Keep...
Well, here we are. Exactly 2 weeks ago I had Matthew Jr. I had a C-Section on the 26th. 8lbs, 7oz, 19 1/2inches. I don't remember a lot about it, just that I couldn't stop my arms from shaking, and that I was scared out of my mind. Scared because they said he might have gotten infected from the GBS, and scared because I have never had any kind of surgery in my life. Matt was with me, and he got to see him come out. (He looked really cute in those hospital scrubs, lol.) After they got him out, I heard the baby cry for the first time, and it really brought the point home that everything that I went through for the last 9 months was real, and that we have a new life in the world to take care of. Things are going really good. I think I have pretty much developed a routine with him during the day.
The only thing that I am really struggling with is the idea that someone is going to be looking up to me. I mean, me, the girl that grew up with fucked up parents, a fucked up situation,and entirely way too many issues. I am so scared, I don't want to fuck up his life. I don't want him to find out about all the bad things that happened to me in my life. I don't want him to be ashamed of me, and think that I am a freak. There's so many things that I don't want him to have to go through. So much pain in life that I don't want him to feel. I am scared that him just even knowing his mother will make him ashamed of me. I don't know. I am just scared of a lot of things when it comes to him. I guess it's normal. I just hope that he never finds out all the bad shit from my past...

"I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me"

Crossfade~ "Cold"

current mood: worried

(3 Bruises | Hit Me)

Thursday, March 24th, 2005
7:47 am - Cologne Is All Over The Room...
Talk about being stubborn! This baby has gotten a little too comfy in my tummy. Right now he is 3 days overdue. They are talking about inducing me next week if I don't have him by the weekend. I really hope that he comes out before Easter. It'd be great to have him with us on Matt and I's first Easter together. Not to mention the really cute "My 1st Easter" outfits that he got would look so cute on him! I am so tired. It seems like that's all I am anymore. Everyone says it's from being pregnant. I hope that that's all it's from. Well. On that note, I am going to go back to bed.

current mood: hopeful

(2 Bruises | Hit Me)

Thursday, March 17th, 2005
12:09 am - Some People Just Weren't Meant To Get Sleep...
You know, I love Matt to death, but I can't stand how he just falls asleep and stays that way. We were both really tired, and we're both getting sick, so we went to sleep ay 9:30. 9:30!!! I feel like I am getting old. Being pregnant makes everything worse. I feel like it's 1,000 degrees in the bedroom, I can't lay on my tummy, and I keep crying because I can't sleep. I can't win anymore.
Anyways, I have a Doctor's appointment at 9:00 tomorrow. It's unbelievable that Matt Jr. is going to be here any day now! I really hope we're going to be ready. It's crazy to think that in a few days, our baby will be here with us. Wow, this little guy has some force to him. He's actually starting to hurt me a lot when he moves, and there's times where he moves and I can't breathe. It's really time for him to get out of there lol.
Oh well, I am either going to get dressed and walk to WaWa Like an idiot, or I am going to watch the rest of the Drew Carey Show, and then go curl up with Matt and try to sleep. Either way, I am out.

current mood: cranky

(1 Bruise | Hit Me)

Wednesday, March 2nd, 2005
3:18 pm - A Baby Is God's Opinion That The World Should Go On...
Matthew James Kilman, Jr. In about 2 weeks and 3 days, he will be here with us. I can't wait!!! I am excited and scared all at the same time. It's a really weird feeling to know that someone is going to be calling me "Mommy" and it won't be a mistake. I wonder what he's going to look like. I am really going to miss feeling him kick me, and watching him move around in my tummy. I like laying with Matt holding me around my stomach while we both wait to feel him kick. I am really going to miss that. I love seeing Matt's eyes light up whenever I mention that our baby will be here soon. But, then again, I can't wait to hold him in my arms and be able to see what me and Matt's love created. And I know that Matt can't wait either. Sorry if my thoughts seem sporadic. Like I said, excited and scared all at the same time. There's a lot of things running through my head, and they are in no particular order. I am going to go back to talking to Matt. I just wanted to talk about our baby again. I am sure I will post again soon.

current mood: jubilant

(3 Bruises | Hit Me)

Thursday, February 24th, 2005
3:44 pm - It's Cold Outside...
I am really tired. I am waiting for the twins to get here. I'd much rather curl up in bed and wait for my Rabbit to get home.
I've said it before, and I will say it again, I can't wait for Jr. to get here. There's so much I want to do for him, and so much I can't do because we just don't have the money. I really hope I get to have a baby shower. I say hope because I have no idea what's going on with it. That'd be a really big help if it did happen. Okay, I think I have waited long enough. If they weren't going to be here at all, or even if they were going to be dropped off late, someone should have called me.
It's snowing really hard outside, and watching it is making me cold, so I am going to sleep.


current mood: exhausted

(1 Bruise | Hit Me)

Thursday, February 17th, 2005
5:37 pm - Boredom Is The Enemy...

You Are A Romantic

You are more romantic than 90% of the population.

You life your life like a fairy tale... or at least you try to.
Living for magical moments, you believe there's only one true love for you.
Love is the most important thing in your life, and you don't take it for granted.
Your perfect match loves to be in love as much as you do!

You Have A Type A- Personality


You are one of the most balanced people around
Motivated and focused, you are good at getting what you want
You rule at success, but success doesn't rule you.

When it's playtime, you really know how to kick back
Whether it's hanging out with friends or doing something you love!
You live life to the fullest - encorporating the best of both worlds

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence

You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well.
An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly.
You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view.
A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary.

You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

S is for Shy
U is for Unforgettable
Z is for Zany
Y is for Yummy

current mood: bored

(1 Bruise | Hit Me)

Monday, February 14th, 2005
11:21 pm - This Love...

Today is our One Year Anniversary. I don't have any special pictures to post, but I can still say that I Love You, and I Love that I am going to spend the rest of my life with you. I can't wait until our baby is here. I Love You. Muah.

Okay, So I fibbed. But mine's cuter!!! I LOVE YOU!!!

current mood: calm

(Hit Me)

Thursday, February 10th, 2005
7:00 am - Love Is Composed Of A Single Soul Inhabiting Two Bodies...
You ever sit back and wonder how you go to where you are now in life? I know I do. I remember that at least once a day, I wanted to not be in this world anymore. But I was always so scared because I wanted to see what would happen tomorrow. I knew there had to be something more out there than what I had at that point in time. I just couldn't give up. I had to find it.
I bring this up because, on Valentine's Day, Matt and I will have been engaged for one year. Not to mention that in a little over a month, our baby will be here with us. I was just thinking about all the shit we had to go through just to be where we are now, which to others might not be anywhere at all considering our current financial situation. I mean 2 years ago, I met him on the front steps of this apartment building. I had just finished my first night at my then job Wendy's, and I was smoking a cigarette, and he came out of nowhere and asked if he could score some free food. I must admit that at first, I thought it was really lame, but I know that I had this funny feeling in my stomach even though we had just met. Every time that I worked, I always brought home extra food, and smoked like a pack of smokes just thinking I'd get a chance to see him again.
Eventually, I met Mikey, who worked with Matt at the time, and had officially met Matt. I had actually thought that they were "together". But then I had the unfortunate introduction to him again, by his then girlfriend, Kristin. Talk about the odd couple. I would have much rather him have been gay and with Mikey, than with that (EDITED FOR CONTENT NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN UNDER 17). But anyways, I had started hanging out with Mikey, which I had gotten into trouble for cause he was older than I was. One night, I was dumb enough to get caught smoking pot in my room of my brother's apartment. For those of you who know my brother, you know why I was horrified to get caught. I end up crying my eyes out, curled in a ball on Mikey's floor, and Matt came out of nowhere and started hugging me. It was the best hug I ever got. After that, I was still hanging out at Mikey's, but I had noticed that Matt was always there in the morning because he had gotten a ride from Mikey to work. So every morning, I drug my ass upstairs to, "Do the girls' hair". After about a month of this, Kristin had started asking me to watch Nick until Matt got home. So I got to see Matt a lot more. We were becoming really good friends. It got to the point where I never really left until Kristin got home, which I guess looked suspicious, but I didn't consider her my friend, and we had nothing in common anyways. So yadda yadda yadda, Matt and I hang out more and more, and Kristin gets more and more jealous of what was, at the time JUST a really good friendship.
Well, she started harassing my brother Dennis about it, which gets him all pissed off at me, so then I wasn't allowed to hang out with Matt anymore. The more I was pushed away from him, the more I wanted to be near him. He really was just a really good friend to me, but no one wanted to see it that way. Sure, I had had feelings for him, but I didn't want to lose him completely.
So we start sneaking around just to be able to say "hi", and for me to get my famous "Matt Hug". I would always talk to him when he was at work, on the IM, or on the phone. We kept getting closer and closer. (I am going to speed this up, because I am really fucking tired and my hands actually hurt from typing all of this.) We would always see each other in the morning, or whenever we could, and there'd be these really intense moments where we'd lock eyes and almost kiss each other. I don't remember exactly how it came up, but we were talking about a "connection kiss" and apparently he had said that he was going to kiss me. (I say "apparently" because I don't remember that part.) Anyways, so he kisses me (After like an hour of taunting me because I didn't remember that he had promised it to me earlier) and then says "I probably shouldn't have done that." I didn't care, I was in Heaven and the happiest I could have ever been.
Well, this got out to everyone, and things just kept getting worse and worse for us. Thanks to Kristin not being able to handle her own shit and crying to my brother about everything. I got to go out less and less, and my relationships with everyone in my life were pretty much ruined.
I know this seems odd to just put out there, but like I said, my hands are killing me. Things start to escalate, then shit really hits the fan. It got really bad after I ran away. When I came back, things got even worse for us. We had started sneaking around again, and I had gotten pregnant (with our first baby), and had a miscarriage. I couldn't take it anymore and had ended up moving to New Jersey with my dad and Jeanne.
And here we are now. Officially together for a year and 3 months, engaged for a year on Valentine's Day, and with our baby boy on the way. The whole point of that, (in case you forgot), was that I found the reasons that I never gave up on my life.
Matt, I Love You with everything I have. I am so happy that I found you. I will always love you.

"This place was never the same again
After you came and went
How can you say you meant anything different
To anyone standing alone
On the street with a cigarette
On the first night we met

Look to the past
And remember and smile
And maybe tonight
I can breathe for awhile
I'm not in the scene
I think I'm fallin' asleep
But then all that it means is
I'll always be dreaming of you..."

10/31/03 Forever and Always...

current mood: loved

(Hit Me)

Friday, January 28th, 2005
7:09 am - I Never Meant To Be So Cold...
I hate having bad dreams. Sometimes they feel so real that you never can tell if you are still sleeping or if you have already woken up. I find it funny that people used to tell me that when you're pregnant you have dreams about losing your teeth. If you'd seen these people, you'd know why that's funny. Maybe they should have just brushed their fucking teeth, and they wouldn't look the way that they do. Anyways, the dream scared the Hell out of me. I don't want to lose Matt or the baby, and I keep having these dreams that I lose them both at the same time. I just couldn't take that. I am talking to my Rabbit right now though, and that is making me feel better. He always makes me feel better. I really miss him when he's at work. I guess that's all I have to say now. I Love You.

current mood: scared

(1 Bruise | Hit Me)

Friday, January 21st, 2005
3:46 pm - For Some Moments In Life There Are No Words...
How is it possible that so many things can happen to you in a week, and yet, it seems impossible to put it into written words? I guess I'll start with last weekend. Corynne and Julian came over, and ended up spending the night here. It was fun, but only because Corynne was here. (For anyone who knows Julian, you know why I am saying this.) Anyways, on Tuesday I had a Doctor's appointment to check up on the baby. We got to hear his heart again. I love to hear it. It makes me so happy that I want to cry. I can't wait until he is finally here! Little Matthew Jr.! After that, we went to Mikey's place and hung out there for while. That's about all that happened for this week. We might take all the kids to Aimee's tonight. Matt's birthday is on Tuesday. I hope a certain someone pays me so I can get him all the stuff I want to get him. But anyways, I am exhausted. So I am going to take a Kitten nap, so I am nice and awake for when Matt gets home.

current mood: relaxed

(1 Bruise | Hit Me)

Monday, January 10th, 2005
6:38 am - So Much Time And So Little To Do. Wait A Minute. Strike That. Reverse It...
Okay, so here's my plan. Instead of being lazy, and indulging myself with a few more hours of sleep, I have decided to clean. Even though it feels like I clean this place almost every day, it NEVER looks like I've done anything by the weekend. Plus Matt said to me this morning, "I am getting sleep tonight.I am getting sick, and I need sleep." So that means he'll probably have us going to bed by like 10, maybe 11. I don't know about you, but I can't go to sleep that early after sleeping in. But, I am off to clean, hopefully it won't take more than 6 hours. I have already thrown my first load of wash in! YaY me!
Side note... Been thinking about Bensalem a lot... WTF?

Today is gonna be the day
That they’re gonna throw it back to you
By now you should’ve somehow
Realised what you gotta do
I don’t believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now
Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I’m sure you’ve heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don’t believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
But I don’t know how

Because maybe
You’re gonna be the one that saves me ?
And after all
You’re my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day?
But they’ll never throw it back to you
By now you should’ve somehow
Realised what you’re not to do
I don’t believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now

And all the roads that lead you there were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
I don’t know how

I said maybe
You’re gonna be the one that saves me ?
And after all
You’re my wonderwall

I said maybe
You’re gonna be the one that saves me ?
And after all
You’re my wonderwall

Said maybe
You’re gonna be the one that saves me
You’re gonna be the one that saves me
You’re gonna be the one that saves me

current mood: busy

(1 Bruise | Hit Me)

Monday, January 3rd, 2005
8:52 am - Invention, My Dear Friends, Is 93% Perspiration, 6% Electricity, 4% Evaporation, And 2% Butterscotch
Wow, I've got to start putting post-it notes on my head. So many things happening nowadays, that it's hard to remember where you're going sometimes. For those of you who might not know, Matt and I are having our baby boy in March. His name is going to be Matthew James Kilman, Jr. I must say, the due date (March 21st)is the funniest to me for a number of reasons, but I am not about to mention them here. I can't wait for him to get here. Matt says that when we get married and have our house, we can try for another baby. Hopefully this time it will be a girl. Life with him is amazing. Sure, we've had some hard times sent our way, but no matter what, we always make it. Like in November for example, Matt got laid off from a job that he literally JUST got, and then finds out from unemployment that he only has 2 checks left. I was so scared. I thought for sure there would be no Christmas for us at all. But as usual, Matt pulled me out of my slump, and we had one of the best Christmas' I've had in a long time. We even had a kick-ass New Years! A little snag, but nothing like last year. There were no cops involved, and I didn't get thrown down stairs! AND, to top it all off, Matt got another, better, job! That's where he's at right now. I miss him a lot. I wanted to cry when he left this morning. I Love him so much it hurts. I better go though, I want to have this place cleaned up for him before he get home, and there's a lot to do. I'll try to keep up with this, but I will never make any guarantees.

current mood: pensive

(Hit Me)

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