Tortured Soul (theboo) wrote,
Tortured Soul
theboo

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Love Is Composed Of A Single Soul Inhabiting Two Bodies...

You ever sit back and wonder how you go to where you are now in life? I know I do. I remember that at least once a day, I wanted to not be in this world anymore. But I was always so scared because I wanted to see what would happen tomorrow. I knew there had to be something more out there than what I had at that point in time. I just couldn't give up. I had to find it.
I bring this up because, on Valentine's Day, Matt and I will have been engaged for one year. Not to mention that in a little over a month, our baby will be here with us. I was just thinking about all the shit we had to go through just to be where we are now, which to others might not be anywhere at all considering our current financial situation. I mean 2 years ago, I met him on the front steps of this apartment building. I had just finished my first night at my then job Wendy's, and I was smoking a cigarette, and he came out of nowhere and asked if he could score some free food. I must admit that at first, I thought it was really lame, but I know that I had this funny feeling in my stomach even though we had just met. Every time that I worked, I always brought home extra food, and smoked like a pack of smokes just thinking I'd get a chance to see him again.
Eventually, I met Mikey, who worked with Matt at the time, and had officially met Matt. I had actually thought that they were "together". But then I had the unfortunate introduction to him again, by his then girlfriend, Kristin. Talk about the odd couple. I would have much rather him have been gay and with Mikey, than with that (EDITED FOR CONTENT NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN UNDER 17). But anyways, I had started hanging out with Mikey, which I had gotten into trouble for cause he was older than I was. One night, I was dumb enough to get caught smoking pot in my room of my brother's apartment. For those of you who know my brother, you know why I was horrified to get caught. I end up crying my eyes out, curled in a ball on Mikey's floor, and Matt came out of nowhere and started hugging me. It was the best hug I ever got. After that, I was still hanging out at Mikey's, but I had noticed that Matt was always there in the morning because he had gotten a ride from Mikey to work. So every morning, I drug my ass upstairs to, "Do the girls' hair". After about a month of this, Kristin had started asking me to watch Nick until Matt got home. So I got to see Matt a lot more. We were becoming really good friends. It got to the point where I never really left until Kristin got home, which I guess looked suspicious, but I didn't consider her my friend, and we had nothing in common anyways. So yadda yadda yadda, Matt and I hang out more and more, and Kristin gets more and more jealous of what was, at the time JUST a really good friendship.
Well, she started harassing my brother Dennis about it, which gets him all pissed off at me, so then I wasn't allowed to hang out with Matt anymore. The more I was pushed away from him, the more I wanted to be near him. He really was just a really good friend to me, but no one wanted to see it that way. Sure, I had had feelings for him, but I didn't want to lose him completely.
So we start sneaking around just to be able to say "hi", and for me to get my famous "Matt Hug". I would always talk to him when he was at work, on the IM, or on the phone. We kept getting closer and closer. (I am going to speed this up, because I am really fucking tired and my hands actually hurt from typing all of this.) We would always see each other in the morning, or whenever we could, and there'd be these really intense moments where we'd lock eyes and almost kiss each other. I don't remember exactly how it came up, but we were talking about a "connection kiss" and apparently he had said that he was going to kiss me. (I say "apparently" because I don't remember that part.) Anyways, so he kisses me (After like an hour of taunting me because I didn't remember that he had promised it to me earlier) and then says "I probably shouldn't have done that." I didn't care, I was in Heaven and the happiest I could have ever been.
Well, this got out to everyone, and things just kept getting worse and worse for us. Thanks to Kristin not being able to handle her own shit and crying to my brother about everything. I got to go out less and less, and my relationships with everyone in my life were pretty much ruined.
I know this seems odd to just put out there, but like I said, my hands are killing me. Things start to escalate, then shit really hits the fan. It got really bad after I ran away. When I came back, things got even worse for us. We had started sneaking around again, and I had gotten pregnant (with our first baby), and had a miscarriage. I couldn't take it anymore and had ended up moving to New Jersey with my dad and Jeanne.
And here we are now. Officially together for a year and 3 months, engaged for a year on Valentine's Day, and with our baby boy on the way. The whole point of that, (in case you forgot), was that I found the reasons that I never gave up on my life.
Matt, I Love You with everything I have. I am so happy that I found you. I will always love you.

"This place was never the same again
After you came and went
How can you say you meant anything different
To anyone standing alone
On the street with a cigarette
On the first night we met

Look to the past
And remember and smile
And maybe tonight
I can breathe for awhile
I'm not in the scene
I think I'm fallin' asleep
But then all that it means is
I'll always be dreaming of you..."


10/31/03 Forever and Always...
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