Tortured Soul (theboo) wrote,
Tortured Soul

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I Never Really Wanted You To See The Screwed Up Side Of Me That I Keep...

Well, here we are. Exactly 2 weeks ago I had Matthew Jr. I had a C-Section on the 26th. 8lbs, 7oz, 19 1/2inches. I don't remember a lot about it, just that I couldn't stop my arms from shaking, and that I was scared out of my mind. Scared because they said he might have gotten infected from the GBS, and scared because I have never had any kind of surgery in my life. Matt was with me, and he got to see him come out. (He looked really cute in those hospital scrubs, lol.) After they got him out, I heard the baby cry for the first time, and it really brought the point home that everything that I went through for the last 9 months was real, and that we have a new life in the world to take care of. Things are going really good. I think I have pretty much developed a routine with him during the day.
The only thing that I am really struggling with is the idea that someone is going to be looking up to me. I mean, me, the girl that grew up with fucked up parents, a fucked up situation,and entirely way too many issues. I am so scared, I don't want to fuck up his life. I don't want him to find out about all the bad things that happened to me in my life. I don't want him to be ashamed of me, and think that I am a freak. There's so many things that I don't want him to have to go through. So much pain in life that I don't want him to feel. I am scared that him just even knowing his mother will make him ashamed of me. I don't know. I am just scared of a lot of things when it comes to him. I guess it's normal. I just hope that he never finds out all the bad shit from my past...

"I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me"

Crossfade~ "Cold"
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